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| Keepsakes for the future family album? |
In the game of grad school loans, I am about to lose miserably. I have yet to start paying these loans back, but just looking at their respective amounts online makes me nauseous. Sailing on the high seas nauseous. Second trimester of pregnancy nauseous. It's the kind of sickening feeling that leads to deviousness, a by-any-means-necessary nature, if you will. Which brings me to the plan I have devised to handle this hefty financial load. I plan to get pregnant by a rapper.
Not just any rapper, mind you. I have honed in on one in particular that I believe will do a superb job. Who is this knight in shining armor? I'm glad you asked. It's none other than Dwayne Carter (Lil Wayne to all you non-baby mamas). It may seem like a long shot, given that we don't know each other and live in different cities, but here are the facts:
-He's obviously able to procreate (please refer to his 4 current children for verification)
-He certainly has the money to support a 5th child
-He hasn't had a child with a white girl yet, so our child will be a unique addition to his collection
-By all accounts, he seems to be a decent father, so when I start shirking my motherly responsibilities because I was only in this for the money, the kid will be alright. Probably.
-He doesn't plan to get married, so I'll never be expected to tie the knot with him just because we have a child together
-The baby-making portion of this plan will not be difficult for me, since I already find him attractive (please, save the disagreement-trust me, I've heard it all)
-To give birth to a Lil Wayne-fathered baby is to enter into a nice group of ladies who are going through the same thing. This inevitably means swapping baby stories, group trips to sunny beaches, shopping trips in L.A.
Who knows what my business venture will be after I start receiving monthly child support checks in my bank account. Perhaps a fashion line! It's already been suggested that while pregnant, I should walk around exclusively in shirts that say "Weezy's Baby", that include an arrow pointing to the adorable little bun in the oven. But first and foremost, all money earned from this adventure will be paying for my education. It's the natural way of things really: go to school and obtain a Master's degree, then get pregnant by someone who's well-off in order to pay for said degree. I'm pretty sure there was a paragraph about this in my orientation handbook.
I know, I know-there are other elements of this plan to think about: Who will raise this baby? Will he/she turn out to be a sociopath because of a lack of parental involvement and a general confusion about why he/she was conceived? These are good questions. And I will answer them, all in good time. Pregnancy takes like, 9 months, right? I've got plenty of time to flesh these things out.
