Lookalikes: Nick Jonas & Vinny Guadagnino
I can't pinpoint exactly what the similarity is, but I think it may be something in their eyes. Or, this is just my way of trying to justify why I end each episode of Jersey Shore with a crush on Vinny.
5 Men I Would Trust To Save My Life
Disclaimer: This list was compiled based on fictional characters these men have portrayed over the years, not their real-life personalities. Should you run into any of these fellas on the street in reality, I cannot vouch for their life-saving capabilities.
1. Mark Wahlberg
This seems like a no-brainer really, but I'll explain. First, he's not bad to look at. If I need saving, I'm obviously in a crisis situation, and nothing will calm my anxiety faster than the sight of a good-looking action hero who's come to rescue me. More importantly, he seems to know a lot of useful information. You may remember that in Shooter, he waltzed into a convenience store with a gunshot wound, gathered a strange set of supplies, and voila!--performed minor surgery on himself so that he could keep running from the government. Sure, there are lots of action stars who know useful information, but Mark Wahlberg has the added bonus of knowing these things without throwing them in your face.
Let me elaborate. Will Smith is a perfect example of the opposite of Mark Wahlberg, and the kind of personality I don't want with me if I'm being chased/assassinated/hunted down. Yeah, he may be strong and well-versed in being a cinematic badass, but he also always makes time for a lot of sarcastic comments. I don't have time to hear that kind of squawking if I'm about to die. I need someone to work through that shit in their head, and then tell me what we're going to do. There's only room for one person to be freaking out.
2. Matt Damon
While he wasn't my first choice, it seems like a smart idea to have Matt Damon around if I'm in danger. Based on his character in the Bourne movies, this is the kind of guy who would do a great job of getting me out of a conspiracy situation. He doesn't trust anyone, so he won't get us involved with "the wrong kind of people". He also seems to be a quick thinker, and resourceful--remember that scene in Bourne Supremacy where he beats a guy with a textbook? Love that. As long as I can keep up with him, I'll be in good hands.
3. Dexter Morgan
Yes, I know he's not a real person. But if he were, I'd love to have him on my side during tough times. Why? Well, obviously I don't want him as an enemy. Though I'd love to see him in his kill outfit, I really don't want to be on the receiving end of his dark passenger. If we're on the same team though, he would be endlessly valuable. Should someone end up dead (fingers crossed it won't be me) during whatever debacle I've gotten myself into, he clearly has a lot of knowledge surrounding the disposal of bodies. He also has access to police department databases, should we need to gather information on whatever people are after me in this scenario. Dex also has a real hatred for people who think they're above good ol' lady justice, which means that whoever messes with me will be instantly taken care of.
4. Leonardo DiCaprio
5. Albus Dumbledore
This one only applies if I should find myself in a life-threatening magical quandary, but you never know what could happen, right? On the off chance that it does, there is no one who will know how to help me more than this man right here. He's powerful and knowledgeable, and even if I don't trust his directions in the moment, I'm sure I will understand their value in the end. The only downside to this choice is that he may get in one of his moods and will want to start philosophizing about good and evil, and how Harry Potter was The Chosen One and blah, blah, blah. Somehow, I'll have to break it to him that I don't have time for chit-chat. Just apparate me to safe place, teach me a protection enchantment, and I'll be on my way.
Rant/Rave: The Devil's Double
Fast forwarding to the present day, I have now seen the movie's trailer countless times, and was looking forward to see how this whole story played out, especially since it's based on a true story. Unfortunately, actually watching the film was not as rewarding as I had hoped.
For starters, it was often awkward, and made me feel like I should've read Latif Yahia's memoir before I walked into the theater. I can only imagine that people who agree to see the Harry Potter films without first reading the books feel the same way. The story makes sense, but it feels like you're missing out on something. It was as if the minds behind The Devil's Double were rushing to make sure they fit every last piece of information in, and what ensued was a series of forced relationships and strangely truncated scenes. When the main love interest for example, Sarrab (played by Ludivine Sagnier), appears out of nowhere, you're expected to experience some kind of emotional connection between she and Latif after nothing more than a few stolen glances.
There were also some moments when I had to turn away from what was happening onscreen. I like to pride myself on having a strong stomach and an indifference for violence in movies, but today my limit was undoubtedly tested. Scenes involving torture, senseless murder, and at one point a knife incident that resulted in a man's intestines spilling out pushed me to the brink of what I could tolerate watching. To think that it's based in reality only makes it worse.
To Dominic Cooper's credit, it was always clear who you were looking at onscreen. When playing Uday, he had a maniacal look in his eyes, and a strange spring in his step that can only come from a life of entitlement. When playing Latif, he was stone-faced, seemingly looking down on all he was surrounded by while acting as Uday's body double.
When the credits finally rolled after a semi-intense conclusion, I felt conflicted. I was fascinated by the film, but also somewhat disappointed. Yes, I was grateful for the time that I had been given to ogle Dominic Cooper, but largely I felt like there was an inner circle to the movie that I hadn't been invited to. Although I was allowed to see plans (and people) be executed, I never felt fully informed on how these plans were coming together, so when they were carried out, I had no investment in their success.
To my fellow New Yorkers:
I try not to let you get to me. When you rub up against me on the subway, I let it slide. Maybe I'll give you a passive aggressive dirty look once you have your back turned, but that's where it ends. When you walk into me on the sidewalk as if I have suddenly become invisible, I brush it off. When you block my path in an attempt to suck a monetary donation out of me, I pretend like I don't see you. But today, you overdid it with the stupidity and the inconsiderate attitude.First, in the form of a twenty-something asshat, you darted out into heavy traffic despite a DON'T WALK sign, and then you had the nerve to yell, "Watch out, asshole!" when a cab almost hit you. Despite numerous people yelling back at you for being an idiot, you continued to waltz through the intersection in your 5-inch heels at a mind-numbingly slow pace. Sadly, I had my fingers crossed for some kind of hit-and-run that involved you and an angry driver, but I would've also settled for you tripping in your heels and eating the pavement. I was highly disappointed when neither happened.
Not to worry, you reared your ugly head numerous times on my trek through the UWS today, usually in the form of extremely large groups of people hogging the sidewalk. Is it now a custom to wander around with all of your aunts/uncles/cousins/neighbors/acquaintances in tow? Maybe I missed that memo, I'm not sure. I appreciate your commitment to family, I really do, but when I'm forced to walk in the street to get around you because you are fascinated by something shiny that caught your eye, my appreciation starts to dwindle. It truly is a mystery to me how the slowest people always walk in the biggest packs. And always, ALWAYS in the middle of the sidewalk, as if to say, "Hey you, behind me--slow down. You're moving through life too fast, and I'm here to police the sidewalk speed limit. So just take a chill pill, and enjoy being late to wherever you're headed, because I was raised to believe that I am the only person who exists in this world."
Later on, as I tried to enjoy a nice afternoon movie, you were there, two seats down from me, texting on your phone. I am touched that the first time this happened during the previews, you tried to shield the blinding light from your phone's screen, thus giving the impression that this would not be happening again. Was I foolish to think that you had taken your phone out to shut off the ringer? Yes. Yes I was. Because halfway through the movie, I began to think that the makers of The Devil's Double had some kind of advertising deal with AOL, due to the fact that I kept hearing that god forsaken "you've got mail!" sound byte over and over again, mixed in with your highly annoying ringtone. I seriously doubt that anyone as stupid as you is that popular. And although you kept ignoring your phone calls, eventually, why didn't you just turn your phone on vibrate? Were you trying to prove to the rest of us in the theater that you do indeed have friends, and that you're so popular that you can't even go to a show without being hounded by the hoards of people who are vying for your attention?
Just when I thought I was rid of you, you returned--not once, but twice--in the women's bathroom. First, while I was standing in line and already at my wit's end with a bladder that had reached its maximum capacity (that one is my own fault--I should know better than to order a soda that comes in a container the size of a beer keg), you appeared as a mother/daughter set that had some personal space issues, and an indifference to their own behavior. I'm not sure who started the myth that children are embraced by everyone, but someone needs to put a stop to it, because it's not true. If you chose to have children and you've subsequently brought them out into public, I applaud you. Congrats. But please don't make the assumption that I should in any way help you to babysit your children just because they are within arm's reach of me.
While I was trying to mind my own business waiting for a bathroom stall to open up, you felt it was entirely appropriate to push your pigtails into me, and to have your nose essentially shoved into my ass. Even as I turned around and gave you a look of Just what do you think you're doing?, you were undeterred. When it happened again and I gave your mother a look as if to say Handle your daughter, before I handle this situation in a way you will not like, both of you remained unaffected. I'm not sure who led you to believe that trying to mesh yourself with the people in front of you will get you through a line faster, but I regret to inform you that you have been seriously misled.
In this same bathroom line, I watched you emerge from a bathroom stall, careless to the requirement that you clean up after yourself, like the adult that you are (supposed to be). As another woman looked into the stall you had just occupied, disgusted at what you left behind, you shrugged her "attitude" off, and kept on moving. When she called you out in front of all the other women, you became annoyed with her tone, as if anyone should expect you to flush a toilet at some point in your life. Seriously, who does she think you are?
Finally, as I was heading out of the movie theater, just trying to get home with a drop of sanity left in me, you had one last surprise in store. You saw a spinning revolving door at the exit, and you hopped in to presumably push yourself around and out of the theater. However, once you aligned yourself with the door and walked approximately three steps, you were astonished that the door had stopped moving. Of course, you did not notice that I had also stopped pushing the door. Funny thing about revolving doors: if no one is pushing them, they don't move. As you began to shout at the door for breaking down while you were inside, you did not seem to realize that this door never was and never will be automatic. Granted, I enjoyed it immensely when I gave the door a little nudge and saw your face light up because, like magic, the door was working again! But in the end, all you did was sadden me, and wonder how all the intelligence seems to have been sucked out of the residents of Manhattan.
Tomorrow, I'm sure that we will be back on speaking terms. But today, I want nothing to do with you. You exhaust me.
Big Sean: Dance (Ass)
Everyone has a line for how much sex/vulgarity/profanity they can take in any given song, and I thought I knew my limit. I was wrong. Normally, a chorus that only includes the word ass would make me think twice about clicking the download button. But "Dance (Ass)" is not a normal situation. This song not only exclusively uses ass in the chorus, it uses it 97 times throughout its entirety (though it's possible I lost count at the end). Absolutely spectacular. It may seem like overkill, but somehow, it works.This may not be the best song to help those (myself included) who campaign that "rap music is not all about sex and money", but it is incredible. Golden. Indescribably, ridiculously awesome. Oh, did I forget to mention that it also samples MC Hammer's "Can't Touch This"? Fantastic.
Boyce Avenue: Rolling In the Deep
As someone who has been replaying Adele's Rolling In the Deep for nearly nine months now, I'll take any excuse to hear a new version of this song. Reworked versions from Adele herself? Sure. Lil Wayne rapping over the instrumental version? Great. A live, in-person version that makes me think twice about whether or not there is a god, and if that god is in fact named Adele Laurie Blue Adkins? You betcha. An acoustic version by Boyce Avenue? Abso-fucking-lutely.In the too-often-repeated words of Randy Jackson: I'm pretty sure Alejandro Manzano could sing the phone book and still make it sound magical. (Need more proof?)
Taking Back Sunday: Latest & Greatest
In honor of seeing them in concert for the 6th time tonight (at the Best Buy Theater in New York), an old favorite (one of many) and a new favorite from Taking Back Sunday:Call Me In the Morning (Taking Back Sunday, 2011)
A Decade Under the Influence (Where You Want To Be, 2004)
Adele: Can't Make You Love Me
Bonnie Raitt's Can't Make You Love Me is without a doubt, an exclusive member on a list I like to call "The Saddest Songs I've Ever Heard". Extra heartbreak points have recently been added, now that my beloved Adele has released her own version of the song, available on her iTunes Festival: London 2011 EP.
Colbie Caillat: Before I Let You Go
It's a mystery to me why I don't know more people who enjoy Colbie Caillat. What's not to like? Her music goes down like soft-serve ice cream, and contains an almost beachy quality (no wonder my friends haven't bothered to listen to her following my recommendation--I've been describing her as beachy, and no one even knows what the hell that means). Let me try to clarify: it's simple, it's catchy, it's summery, and even if you don't end up liking it, you won't have wasted much energy giving it a shot.
Lloyd ft. Andre 3000: Dedication To My Ex (Miss That)
Although this song is reminiscent of Run and Tell That (from Hairspray), it has a very different meaning. It is deceivingly fun and upbeat, which means that when singing along with it in public, you may easily forget that you're singing about, well...pussy. That pussy done changed! (According to Lloyd, anyway).
Beyonce: I Was Here
If you're like me, then you might be living with some kind of delusion that Beyonce-level fame is possible even when you lack any significant musical talent. Does this sound like you? If so, then Beyonce herself has created a perfect musical match for your hallucination.I Was Here (you may not have heard of it, since so many people are still hung up on whether or not Run the World (Girls) will be a big enough hit...), off of her new album 4, speaks to a life of meaning, significance, and connection with others, which certainly Beyonce has already achieved. But it also has a motivational quality to it--almost challenging you to do the same for yourself, even if you could never possibly be known and adored by as many people around the world.
Side note: I have been a fan of "Radio Beyonce" for many years, but have never been hooked by any album of hers in its entirety. 4 is the only exception to this, and has without a doubt upped my level of respect for her.
Bon Iver: Holocene
Yet again, Bon Iver has hypnotized me with his music. It seems nearly impossible to stop this song once it's started--I get sucked in, every time.And at once I knew, I was not magnificent
Side note: if a woman sang with this voice, would anyone think she was talented?
Flo-Rida & Pitbull: Turn Around [Pt. 2]
I am straight up obsessed with this song. Every time it comes to an end, I think I'm comfortable with moving on to another song, and every time I'm wrong. Of course, listening to it so many times consecutively will inevitably make me sick of it within a week, but for now it will remain the entire soundtrack to the nightly one-woman dance parties I hold in my apartment.
Kanye West: Mama's Boyfriend
Finally, a catchy Kanye shoutout to the (usually) worthless men who invade our mothers' lives and act like they're family.
We are the voices of our parents bad choices,
The aftermath of divorces, the kids of bitter split-ups
My mama said I could do it, I already got clearance
In support of financial responsibility
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| Keepsakes for the future family album? |
In the game of grad school loans, I am about to lose miserably. I have yet to start paying these loans back, but just looking at their respective amounts online makes me nauseous. Sailing on the high seas nauseous. Second trimester of pregnancy nauseous. It's the kind of sickening feeling that leads to deviousness, a by-any-means-necessary nature, if you will. Which brings me to the plan I have devised to handle this hefty financial load. I plan to get pregnant by a rapper.
Not just any rapper, mind you. I have honed in on one in particular that I believe will do a superb job. Who is this knight in shining armor? I'm glad you asked. It's none other than Dwayne Carter (Lil Wayne to all you non-baby mamas). It may seem like a long shot, given that we don't know each other and live in different cities, but here are the facts:
-He's obviously able to procreate (please refer to his 4 current children for verification)
-He certainly has the money to support a 5th child
-He hasn't had a child with a white girl yet, so our child will be a unique addition to his collection
-By all accounts, he seems to be a decent father, so when I start shirking my motherly responsibilities because I was only in this for the money, the kid will be alright. Probably.
-He doesn't plan to get married, so I'll never be expected to tie the knot with him just because we have a child together
-The baby-making portion of this plan will not be difficult for me, since I already find him attractive (please, save the disagreement-trust me, I've heard it all)
-To give birth to a Lil Wayne-fathered baby is to enter into a nice group of ladies who are going through the same thing. This inevitably means swapping baby stories, group trips to sunny beaches, shopping trips in L.A.
Who knows what my business venture will be after I start receiving monthly child support checks in my bank account. Perhaps a fashion line! It's already been suggested that while pregnant, I should walk around exclusively in shirts that say "Weezy's Baby", that include an arrow pointing to the adorable little bun in the oven. But first and foremost, all money earned from this adventure will be paying for my education. It's the natural way of things really: go to school and obtain a Master's degree, then get pregnant by someone who's well-off in order to pay for said degree. I'm pretty sure there was a paragraph about this in my orientation handbook.
I know, I know-there are other elements of this plan to think about: Who will raise this baby? Will he/she turn out to be a sociopath because of a lack of parental involvement and a general confusion about why he/she was conceived? These are good questions. And I will answer them, all in good time. Pregnancy takes like, 9 months, right? I've got plenty of time to flesh these things out.
Drake: Marvin's Room
Marvin's Room does for my ears what a swinging chain would do for my eyes: it hypnotizes me. With each replay of this song, my mind wanders elsewhere during the verses, but I could be 100 miles away, and as soon as "Fuck that n**** that you love so bad..." kicks in, I'm immediately in some kind of trance.I'm just saying, you could do better
Tell me, have you heard that lately?
Chase & Status ft. Tinie Tempah: Hitz
Feels like I've heard the same drum pattern a million times before, but the rest of the song & Tinie Tempah are good enough that I end up not caring.She called me chauvinistic, but she can't even spell it
Rihanna: Man Down
This song:-makes me want to dance,
-but then makes me feel bad for dancing after I remember what it's about
-sounds ridiculous coming out of my mouth, because I can't pull off Rihanna's accent
-leaves me longing for the ability to roll my R's
Oui, oui
Sadly, I have never cared for or about Bradley Cooper. No specific reason, I just don't get the attraction.But today, I have learned that he speaks fluent French. And when I say he speaks fluent French, I mean he does so in an incredibly attractive way. To anyone who says that only women sound sexy when speaking French, you are very, very wrong.
1 + 1 = Beyonce's Declaration of love at its finest
I'm not sure what I like more about this video: the fact that Beyonce sounds so heavenly while singing her new single, 1+1 in her dressing room, or the fact that Jay-Z cared enough to record her rehearsal.I didn't watch the American Idol finale that she's rehearsing for, but I can imagine the extra fanfare that was added onstage didn't actually benefit the song. To me, this simpler, heartfelt version of the song is just perfect.
Makin' It Rain
Lil Wayne's Memorial Day weekend plans make me feel:a) jealous that I'm not also in Miami hanging out with him & Drake, and
b) extremely curious about the metallic/glittery Spanxx industry
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| More photos of Wayne's Memorial Day weekend partying here |
Lil Wayne: How to Love
Prediction: Lil Wayne's newly released song, "How to Love", will be his next (and frighteningly, only his second) #1 single.
Catchy: check.
Unexpected: check.
A love song just in time for summer: check check.
Catchy: check.
Unexpected: check.
A love song just in time for summer: check check.
Parachute: Kiss Me Slowly
Although The Way It Was is not a huge departure from Losing Sleep, it is proof that Parachute knows what works for them. Like most tracks on their new album, Kiss Me Slowly is like soft serve ice cream: enjoyable and easy to digest.
Can you hear the difference?
Between:Lil Wayne ft. Rick Ross: If I Die Today
Rick Ross ft. Lil Wayne: 9 Piece
Good luck!
Augustana: On the Other Side
New music from Augustana that includes that rare melodic quality that just sucks you in and makes you hit repeat? Yes, please.Babe, it could end tonight
Know it would be alright
'Cause I'm gonna love you
Somewhere on the other side
Kelly Rowland ft. Lil Wayne: Motivation
Song content: 80% Kelly Rowland, 20% Lil WayneSong enjoyment: 20% Kelly Rowland, 80% Lil Wayne (if you factor in the music video, it's 5% Kelly, 95% Weezy)
It's important to understand the math.
LOOKALIKES: ESTELLE & KALENNA HARPER
Left: EstelleRight: Kalenna Harper of Dirty Money
Even without the matching haircut, these two make me seriously consider whether Estelle gave up her solo career every time I see Dirty Money on television.
A Match Made In Prison
To be fair, I don't actually know much about Paris. My most prominent memory of her is that she introduced me to Zappos (did you think I was going to say something else?). When she was first becoming famous-ish, I remember her telling someone that she had big feet, and that she had trouble finding fashionable shoes that actually fit her. It was like hearing the most insignificant piece of my own life story repeated back to me. Just when I thought I would be forced to wear orthopedic shoes for 90-year-olds for the rest of my life, Paris Hilton shone down on me like a heavenly light. She said she gets her shoes from Zappos, and what do you know—I started shopping there, too. Man, I was easy back in those days.
Perhaps the only similarity Paris & Wayne share is that they both did time. So obviously that means they're the same. The interview in Interview was anything but eye-opening for those of us who are borderline stalking Weezy (yeah, he went to jail and now he's out blah blah blah), but if Interview were to release an audio version of it, I would be on board. Given that the conversation for the article was done via telephone, I can only imagine the awkward silences that occurred. Better yet, did Paris say "that's hot" at any time during the interview? I have my suspicions that she did, and that they just quietly edited it out of the final version.
The real question here is, when will using the Wayne's World reference when publishing articles about Lil Wayne stop? Dear writers: there are other titles you can use. Please don't be afraid to explore other options before you slap "Lil Wayne's World" on another cover. Just sayin'.
Pictures from the article (HQ versions courtesy of LilWayneHQ):
Tiny Wings
For a mere $0.99, I just downloaded the sweetest app I think I've ever laid eyes on. The concept is simple enough: touch the screen to make yourself heavy enough to slide downhill, and release your touch when it's time to launch yourself into the clouds.The added sweetness comes in the form of the tiny little chubby bird that is the main character in this game, and the fact that this little bird is just livin' life, just trying to fly high into the sky before nighttime comes. Night, it turns out, is your only enemy in this game--eventually, the bright, beautifully-colored hills turn dark, and when the darkness hits, your little birdie falls fast asleep on the spot.
Seriously, the most adorable $0.99 I ever spent.
Screenshots:
Ain't nuthin' but a Glee thang baybay, Matt Morrison's abs drive me crayzay
Let me quickly recap this video for you: White girls rapping. Music by Dr. Dre & Snoop Dogg. Male cast members of Glee dancing (shout out to Cory Monteith who has never looked better). Heather Morris dancing (does it ever get old?). Lust for Matthew Morrison (been there!) A track-suited cameo by Sofia Vergara. Jane Lynch's face pasted onto a blow-up doll.I've already said too much.
Favorite quotes/lyrics:
-Comparing Jane Lynch to the rest of the cast is like comparing the Great Barrier Reef with a pile of dog shit.
-If Matt Morrison were boss, I'd work for him for free, droppin' all his calls like I'm AT&T
-Creamsicles are delicious!
-We do some sweet dance moves, don't try to dis 'em 'cause we're harder than the Dewey Decimal System
-We're like Steven Seagal with a showtune
Stop reading, just watch it already!
NEW MUSIC: JAY-Z & KANYE WEST
BUT! it's still a great illustration of how a) Kanye is an arrogant (but still entertaining) lyricist, and b) Jay-Z is still fucking awesome (I might be biased). Between the frantic beat and the choir voices that are layered in, I feel like I'm listening to the soundtrack for a climactic scene in a disaster movie, which is always a good thing. It has a sense of urgency. When the 4:38 is up, I feel like I should be rushing somewhere, hurrying to do something, if only to avoid Jay & Kanye goin' H.A.M. on me.
More than anything, I'm just so thrilled that someone finally thought of an acronym for the word ham. It was way overdue.
Listen here (you'll have to give it the thumbs up before the player will start)
Listen here (you'll have to give it the thumbs up before the player will start)
LOOKALIKES: PAT MONAHAN & JAMES FRAIN
Left: Pat Monahan, lead singer of TrainRight: James Frain, who played Franklin on True Blood
Boyce Avenue: Fast Car
An old favorite (made popular by Tracy Chapman), and more proof that Boyce Avenue's Alejandro Manzano can sing anything.This cover in particular works so well, likely because of the addition of Kina Grannis' (to say that she has a gorgeous voice would be an understatement). Turning Fast Car into a duet adds so much to the overall idea of the song--a young couple in search of a better life who ultimately find that everything does not go as planned--and creates an extra level of emotion that I never felt with the original.
You can form your own opinion about their original music, but it's undeniable that every cover Boyce Avenue performs is golden.
LOOKALIKES: JOSH GROBAN & DANIEL ERIC GOLD
This may be old news for those of you who were loyal Ugly Betty fans, but I was reminded of this pair of cuties because of this recent clip, in which Josh Groban puts music to Kanye West's tweets. Musical talent and a sense of humor? Swoon.
LOOKALIKES: DARREN CRISS & JESSE LACEY
Left: Darren Criss from Glee; Right: lead singer of Brand New, Jesse LaceyJackpot!
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